We have spoken often about how persuasion can, when directed by respect and commitment to win-win outcomes, is not only NOT a “dirty word,” but something which, when we do it right, others appreciate.
We’ve touched on some of the ways we can do this, such as using genuine empathy and respect, which I call “Radical Understanding.” In a prior article, we discussed why this makes Persuasion a good thing, a tool we can use to help others.
When I have a problem and need someone’s expertise, I acknowlege they know something I do not. I’m counting on them to guide me, provide information, even collaborate with me on that solution. In this scenario, the other party, a salesperson, a vendor, a friend, a service provider–this fits any scenario in which one person wishes to persuade the other–becomes my partner, not an adversary.
This is optimal, and for me, crucial. If I don’t truly understand what the other person wants or needs, I can’t be certain that I can fulfill it. And if I can’t be sure of that, I have no business attempting to persuade them. If you’ve followed my work, you realize how serious I am on the subject. I’ve done sales coaching where I’ve said things like that, and the sheer number of simultaneous eye-rolls made the room seem to shift for a moment. Like one of those illusions where you cross a stationary bridge and the surrounding tunnel rotates. The mind can trick us into believing the bridge itself is rotating, causing many people disorientation. Yes, it felt a bit like that!
But this is solid and real. I call it win-squared, or win-win (Win2™), as both parties get what they want, and that’s not as hard as it may sound. For a salesperson, what they want is your investment, your money. What you want is a solution which makes your life, or work, easier. You only consider buying such a solution because what it will give you is more important to you than the money you will spend on it.
We all know this, yet often overlook it, as though seller and buyer are in an aggressive tug-of-war, each wanting the same thing and wrestling for control. If your opportunities for persuasion resemble this, you will want to shift your thinking first. Tug-of-war implies a zero-sum game in which one wins, though only at the other’s expense. Someone must lose. And the truth is, most of life doesn’t look anything like that structure. We often, though cultural conditioning, our pre-existing beliefs, our “Map of the World,” try to force every situation into that very limiting mold, and it’s time to change that.
The limitations ensure that, even if you do pull off that win once, the “losing” party will know not to trust you again. You have burned a bridge, and in business, those bridges, those relationships, can be highly profitable for all involved. Damaging them forces you to begin at square one in every situation. We’ve all done that before, as we all start somewhere. So you know that it’s hard work to bring on a new customer/partner/supplier–much more so that by merely doing a new deal with a “warm” relationship, someone who has enjoyed working with you in the past, and is eager to do it again.
That’s why we begin with Radical Understanding. Truly caring about what the other person wants, how they want it, and how they will measure it–how they will know for certain that they got it. Until you know that, you are just playing the odds, hoping your pitch works out. You may influence those statistics a bit. according to how well you’ve honed that one pitch. But it’s still a numbers game as to whether or not you seal that deal.
I’ve had former customers come back to me, years later, wanting to do business with me again, and I don’t “thank my lucky stars,” I ask questions. I want to know what they experienced previously, how that worked out, and why they’ve contacted me now. It’s more than an ego boost, I want real information. This makes it easy to succeed, because our history with those people becomes our walking advertisement. I get most of my new coaching clients by referral. In my books, I’ve shared several of those stories and I’ve been asked, at live events. why I have so many cases of a new prospective client either contacting me via referral or a former client reaching out, asking me to speak with a friend.
The common denominator is that I was effective, provided more value than I charged, and particularly in cases where “nobody has been able to help,” my name arises. And getting to work with me isn’t as quick and easy as you may think. I coach people in a highly selective capacity. I don’t allocate much time to private clients, so to get one of those spots isn’t easy. I also charge in line with highly valuable business consultants, the sort who delivers massive value and charges accordingly. I’m not for everyone, but for the client who absolutely must change and very quickly, I’m a great choice.
But why? Is it my brilliance or humor?
Not at all! The difference is that I have a highly trained skills set, one that requires a lot of investment to develop. That comes into Step 3 of the MindLeading™ process, “mind-blowing persuasion.”
But way before we get to that, and there is no bypassing it, is Step 1: Radical Understanding. I elicit from my clients what they want, why they want it, what it’s costing them to not have it, and, as mentioned above, how they will know when they’ve gotten it.
I want to understand very deeply what my client wants and needs before I assess whether I can deliver it.
This happened last year, when in an initial session, I satisfied Step 1 and understood fully that the person wanted to join NASA and orbit our planet. Step 2 nearly had me end the session prematurely, as the specifics of how to be recruited for the Space program were outside my expertise. I know quite a bit, but I’m oblivious in that area.
Except he was in his early 50’s, and I know that the Space program has age limits, for practical reasons. His being chosen, no matter how ideal he might be in other areas. seemed highly unlikely.
But my curiosity persisted: Why did he want that?
The answer was so mundane it was comical. He had a fear of heights. He believed that flying in a space craft would cure his fear. So, Step 2 was indecisive. Could I help him join the Space program? Almost certainly not. At that point in the MindLeading™ process, it would normally have ended the discussion and we would have parted with mutual respect.
Though his underlying fear was easily overcome. “Listen, the Space program is one of those processes which is highly selective, complex, and has a years-long path toward it. We aren’t likely to succeed rapidly, without having followed that path. Even in this day and age, where we have private space exploration companies, the same requirements apply. I’m not saying it can’t be done, but the odds are stacked against it. If that’s the only way you would accept overcoming a phobia of heights, then I have to say no, I can’t work with you. My ethics won’t allow me to mislead you that way. But–“
Initially, he looked like someone had just killed his dream. But at that last word, his eyes flew open. “No, no, I see what you’re saying–it really is farfetched to think I could become an astronaut at this age. Maybe when commercial space travel is available, if I can afford it, but my fear of heights gets in my way all the time. I need to be cured of that.”
Over the next few minutes, he convinced me that his life would be vastly improved, astronaut or not, by getting over his fear. And we did.
But that key difference–understanding, really understanding (radically so!) what he really wanted and why, changed everything. We did that work in one session and he was delighted.
Had I lied to him, assured him that I could get him into NASA, he would have been a very unhappy client, burning that bridge between us. And since that time, he has sent three clients to me. I benefited by following the MindLeading™ process, and its required ethics. He benefited by overcoming a fear he’s had since childhood, and had tried and failed to surmount with multiple therapists. He was now free of that fear: We both won.
Now consider all that from the client’s perspective. He had a need, a problem which was negatively affecting his life, and he was motivated to solve it. If I had treated that problem at face value, I would have either have had to admit that I couldn’t help him, or have been dishonest and ruined a relationship when he didn’t get what he’d sought. A “win-lose,” in one way, a “lose-lose” in another. Because having burned a bridge, I would have also lost. The fee for one session can’t compare to years of potention deals and referrals. That isn’t worth it, and that’s why, when I’m asked, “Why do you tell your potential customers about MindLeading™, and about Sublinfluence™?”
The answer is that if they hear the whole thing, they’ll know that I will only persuade them to do what they really need and want. By allowing me to influence them, they will get what they truly want and be very happy. Once someone realizes that, knows that I will always and only pursue what I am convinced will serve them, they recognize an ally in their pursuits, and want me in their inner circle.
By Radical Understanding, you will enjoy those same benefits. And as impportant, so will your customers, partners, friends, anyone with whom you spend your time.
Copyright © 2026 Chris Gingolph