Your value is defined in several ways, though in each context, a common element is The Impact You Have. While seemingly obvious, we often overlook it, in place of some arbitrary value we’ve chosen. And while it’s great to be confident and to determine for yourself what you can do, that doesn’t mean others will agree with that value–to them.
I recently shared a story that, while my intent was to demonstrate one thing, also served to illustrate how others may assign value to us. In this article, we’re going to address those two questions and I suspect you’ll find that their answers fit together perfectly.
This took place at a company where I used to work. We made and deployed highly complex technical solutions, and anyone working with them required a high degree of technical skill–both those selling it, implementing it, and administering it, once installed.
This technology was unneeded to smaller organizations, so our customers were the largest Enterprise companies in the world, dealing in massive quantities of data. The sort where a brief interruption in data communications could mean hundreds of thousands, sometimes millions of dollars lost.
I was successful on the technical level, though it appeared that repeatedly, I was working with very irritable, unprepared, or even hostile customers. I was successful on that interpersonal level, too, as I was even then very experienced with NLP and its peripheral skills.
Still, it seemed odd, and I wondered whether all our customers were simply like that, or it was just me. I had yet to distill NLP and hypnotic language into MindLeading™, but I still made it work.
Eventually, I asked my boss, “It is just me or am I getting all the really challenging customers?” He laughed and said, “Actually, you are–and it’s because of your seemingly unique skills.” He explained that where the account team had determined this would be challenging, the deal’s “baton” was passed to me instead of nearly twenty other people in my role at the company.
On one hand, that could be a compliment, and I initially took it that way. Then I considered: If they’re getting the agreeable, enthusiastic clients, and I’m getting the “difficult” ones, why are we being paid the same?
And don’t get me wrong–adversity hones our skills and makes us stronger. I welcome the challenge. Though that “premium” skill set suggests to me a ‘premium value–for all those involved.
How can you deal with it when facing such a challenge?
1. Recognize What You’re Dealing With
Before you react, get clear on what’s really happening. Is this person truly adversarial, or are they just blunt, competitive, or socially awkward? Sometimes what feels like hostility is actually just miscommunication or weak social skills. But if the behavior is consistent, targeted, and disruptive—especially if it’s undermining your work—you’re likely dealing with someone who sees you as a threat or target.
Common signs of adversarial behavior:
- They question your ideas in meetings but never offer solutions.
- They take credit for your work or minimize your contributions.
- They gossip or stir up conflict behind your back.
- They micromanage or intentionally exclude you from important communications.
- They play favorites, often at your expense.
Once you recognize it for what it is, you can stop taking it personally—and start responding strategically.
2. Detach Emotionally (But Stay Alert)
Adversarial coworkers often thrive on emotional reactions. If they can throw you off balance or get you to lash out, they win. So your best move? Stay cool.
Think of it like a chess game: emotion clouds strategy. Don’t waste energy getting angry, venting constantly, or fantasizing about dramatic confrontations. Instead, document everything and stay sharp. Keep emails, write down interactions, and quietly build a record. It may feel paranoid, but it’s just good sense—especially if things escalate.
Pro tip: Don’t match energy with energy. You’re not there to fight. You’re there to do your job, get results, and maintain your professionalism. That’s how you win.
3. Communicate Clearly and Confidently
Adversarial coworkers often rely on ambiguity to twist narratives or create confusion. Cut that off at the source.
Use clear, direct, professional communication at all times. Recap conversations in writing. Loop others in when appropriate. Keep your tone calm but assertive. If someone misrepresents what you said or did, don’t ignore it. Correct it—firmly and factually.
For example:
“Just to clarify, I mentioned X in the meeting, not Y. Here’s the email I sent following up.”
Short, sharp, and impossible to misinterpret.
Don’t fall into the trap of overexplaining or defending yourself. Let your work speak, but back it with clarity.
4. Set Boundaries Without Being Confrontational
You don’t have to be aggressive to set limits. Boundaries can be polite, professional, and powerful.
If someone keeps crossing lines—interrupting, overstepping, or dragging you into office drama—you can disengage without causing a scene.
Try:
- “Let’s circle back to the facts.”
- “I prefer to stick to the agenda.”
- “I’d rather keep this discussion work-focused.”
You’re not starting a fight—you’re redirecting the energy. Over time, people will start to see who the problem really is.
5. Find Allies, Not Enemies
Dealing with an adversarial coworker can make you feel isolated. That’s part of their tactic. So don’t go it alone.
Build relationships with colleagues who are fair, competent, and level-headed. You’re not gossiping—you’re creating a network of support and professionalism.
Sometimes just having others who see what’s happening—and who can vouch for your character and work—makes all the difference. You don’t need to rally troops, but don’t let one toxic person define your workplace reality.
And remember: people talk. If someone is a problem for you, chances are they’re a problem for others too. You’re not crazy—and you’re not alone.
6. Take the High Road (Without Being a Doormat)
There’s a difference between being professional and being passive. Taking the high road doesn’t mean letting people walk all over you. It means choosing your battles wisely—and fighting them with skill.
Don’t get dragged into gossip wars. Don’t retaliate. Don’t undermine in return. That’s amateur hour. If you need to escalate something, go through the proper channels. Document everything. Be factual, not emotional.
If you need to report the behavior, go to HR or a manager with a calm, evidence-based approach. Say what you’ve experienced, how it’s impacting your work, and what steps you’ve already taken to address it. You’re not just complaining—you’re solving a problem.
7. Know When to Escalate—and When to Exit
Sometimes, despite your best efforts, the behavior continues—or gets worse. If it’s affecting your mental health, your performance, or your sense of safety, don’t suffer in silence.
If leadership or HR won’t take action and the environment becomes toxic, it’s okay to start planning your exit. Loyalty to a paycheck is one thing—but you owe your peace of mind more.
Keep your resume updated, quietly explore options, and when the time is right, move on. Don’t let one adversarial coworker poison your whole career. There are better teams, better leaders, and better cultures out there.
Final Thought: You’re Not There to Fight—You’re There to Win
Adversarial coworkers are distractions. They want you off balance, reactive, and insecure. Don’t give them that power.
Stay focused on your goals. Do your best work. Build relationships. Protect your boundaries. And when needed, speak up with facts and professionalism.
You don’t have to be the loudest person in the room. Just the most consistent, competent, and composed. That’s how you win.
And that’s how you deal with adversarial coworkers—without losing your cool, your values, or your edge.
Copyright © 2025 Chris Gingolph