I was quite surprised by the intensity of the reader responses to a previous article (Ending Friendships Over Politics…). Likely due to the outcome of the United States election earlier that month, there was more fervor than I’d expected. For one, I’m unaccustomed to being called, in the same month, a “left-wing lunatic,” “right-wing extremist,” “elitist,” “socialist,” “libtard,” and “trumptard.” Interesting because as far as I know, I coined the latter term in response to the Rush Limbaugh term, “libtard.” (Nothing personal directed at your politics, but fair is fair…)

I decided to let emotions settle a bit before continuing with this point, so here we are now, and hopefully with cooler heads.

Name-calling aside, I found a more interesting social experiment at work. For the record, I’m a Centrist and a pragmatist. I lean neither left nor right, which is in no way a concession to anyone but my own reason. I don’t believe the extremists have solved anything.

I do want to dig into the more interesting aspects I identified, but first, let’s talk about the election. Not about our feelings about the election, as that veers right back into my prior point about values. If we believe a candidate or political movement is attacking our values, we are unlikely to tolerate it. Why would we, if by its definition, it’s intolerant of us and our own views? In that last article we were looking specifically at how sometimes it’s better to remove people from our lives when those values are deeply at odds. Not always, but if we feel that their values seek to take something from us, doesn’t it just make sense?

Regardless of your political affiliation, it would be hard to argue that America was offered less-than-stellar options from by arguably less-than-stellar candidates.

Though Kamala Harris did a noble job convincing voters that she’d moved to the Center, like President Biden, there were hints of Leftism that impacted multiple voting blocs, sufficient to frighten them away. Former (and incoming) President Trump, for his part, was as extreme as ever, and crafted an incredibly effective campaign based on multiple voting blocs’ insecurities and fears. Like it or not, it worked. Though any candidate who was a felon with multiple convictions is hardly a glowing example of American decency and virtue. Even if you love him, that one is hard to dispute.

There’s also the issue of whether the voting electorate has the patience to contend with details. The U.S. economy may be leading the world, but it’s still far from its best it’s been. Ask the average American voter what a “soft landing” is in economic terms and you’ll likely get blank stares. I don’t say this to stir up politics here, nor to pick on anyone for ignoring arguably crucial details.

The question then is: What happens if each individual believes that we understand, and are utilizing, our Relationship Map, when in fact we are instead using our own individual Map of the World? Even more interesting, what happens when all the people involved make this mistake? We wind up in a situation where we don’t think we should be at odds, yet can’t help but (eventually) notice that we are. One of the more (not so) revolutionary techniques I teach is that of…listening. Paying attention. As obvious as it may sound, paying attention is one of the most critical skills you can develop and refine in order to become more influential.

I was reading descriptions of a book on Amazon today, and was intrigued by a reader’s review. White Working Class: Overcoming Class Cluelessness in America by Joan C. Williams, inspired several interesting reviews, but one resonated with me, as I encounter class bias and anti-inequality bias a good deal.

Learn a Trade and Rejoin the “American Family”
By Amazon Customer on May 29, 2017
Format: Kindle Edition
70,000 votes in three states and this book might not have been published. Although I appreciate the effort, I want to know where the book is that explains me. I have been told all my life to work hard and get an education. That is what I have done but now it is incumbent on me to somehow understand the white working class. What’s to understand? Many of them are willing to support a traitor to their country. It is the most opposite you can possibly get from patriotism and “America First.” They need to start understanding me and the values I stand for! First, and most important, I believe treason needs to be punished with real time in prison so future aspirants to the most powerful office are sent a clear message.
The answer for the white working class is to attend vocational schools and learn a trade that is relevant in a 21st century economy and quit taking their anger out on loyal Americans.

This review suggests a degree of expectation or even entitlement, though I’d argue that isn’t completely unfair. We learned things as children, which we rarely challenged until later–if at all. Truisms like “Eat your vegetables to grow strong and healthy,” “Work hard and you’ll be successful,” “When you pick yourself up by your bootstraps, you can overcome anything,” are things to which many of us can relate. Depending on where you grew up, you likely had many others and you’ve internalized them as guiding principles.

One possible challenge with this is when our values shift over time. They may be in conflict with a value instilled within us at an early age. And the trick with values, as with beliefs, is that they can grow and adapt over time. New life experiences can change us, shaping us to better cope with, and prosper from, life.

When we discover that we are at deep odds with either the way we used to be, or with those around us, we can experience a level of stress that’s hard to imagine until you’re there. Our belief in ourselves, in what we consider “right,” may come into question and create conflict.

Using Politics as a salient example, we may have passionate beliefs about the “right” way to run our country, the “right” way for an HOA to deal with trash cans, or about anything which we determine is important.

Sometimes having dialogs with those who disagree with us can bring rich dividends. I myself have found that very fulfilling and learned a great deal about other perspectives and the rationale behind them.

Though there can be a point where we decide that the dissonance is too disruptive for us. In such times, you may find it useful to discuss those differences with a friend, and the two of you may be able to continue the friendship by “agreeing to disagree,” or just avoiding the topic on which you disagree.

The challenge would be where that belief poses an existential threat to one or both of you. If you care about your friend, and in your area, there isn’t much variation racially, religiously, economically or politically. So you may never have previously discussed your differences as you’d not even discovered therm yet.

But when you do, it can be a massive strain on the friendship. I tend to be pretty tolerant, and as I’ve mentioned before, am a political Centrist. Which has meant that I rarely am so outraged by others’ views, but the same is often not true in the inverse. I will find points of agreement with nearly everyone, but where we have stark differences, such as the other person has a deep-seated hatred for immigrants, they are highly unlikely to tolerate my views on the subect.

If after discussing these differences, you cannot agree upon a compromise, nor can you agree to just leave the disagreement without ending the friendship, you may discover that the stress is too much for one or both of you. Choosing yourselves–both of you–can become the most reasonable option.

I would suggest overtly agreeing that you both feel the difference is too great, and that each of you would be better served by ending the friendship and finding more like-minded people, would be healthy. Many people simply drift apart without acknowledging why. This can be destructive and a source of additional stress as you both come to terms with the change.

Have that honest conversation, though with mutual respect. You don’t hate this person, after all. You’ve just grown apart and that’s okay.

Copyright © 2025 Chris Gingolph