We’ve now spoken in prior articles about the difference between observation and interpretation, as well as invisible channels of communication. We’ve further explored how learning to pay attention to everything, setting aside any filters which limit us, affording us full access to our perception. This can appear to others to be a form of “extrasensory” perception. Though by now, we know better. It’s a learnable skills set that you can own and use to make your life, career, relationships, better. Because this is an important skill, I wanted to now explore how this might work in our personal lives.
Remember that, as with Map of the World, we don’t need to elicit every detail about the person or their messaging to us. Only the aspects we consider most relevant. Of course, it’s your mind, so you decide what that might include. When speaking of our personal relationships, for instance our partner, our children, or close friends, that may include a great deal of information.
In a business transaction, there are only so many aspects of the communication that affect the deal. But in our personal lives, virtually anything might come into play.
Therefore, know the people in your life. Take the time to understand them, not merely “know their story.” That latter phrase is often used to denote getting closure on the basic questions we all must answer for ourselves. Rarely would that ever capture the person in our entirety. In MindLeading™, I call this “premature closure,” shutting down our perception because we decide, too early, that we understand fully.
Remember that we all have tremendous capacity to understand others, recognize red flags and likely pitfalls and obstacles.
Consider someone we’re attracted to, though as yet don’t have a relationship. Once we know someone is truly compatible, we know we are each good for one another, and we realize that our values don’t conflict or send up such red flags, we may be at a good spot to begin a friendship or more.
When that is not the case, we have a preview of the conflicts that will end that relationship. Red flags are funny that way.
As we pay attention to that person, we begin to map them, asking questions, calibrating their answers. As we learn the major patterns of their lives–the most frequent themes–we establish their baseline.
For example, someone whose former partners were all “crazy,” or cheated on them, or perhaps gaslit them, we recognize the most common concerns that person has in relationships. Before we “mind-read” and guess why these concerns are salient, which invokes Map-of-the-World-type filters, just receive the information. Your intuition can play with it after, but initially you want the raw information.
Once you know the main concerns they focus on, you know what surfaces often in that part of their lives. Remember that every human relationship is a system, and we are part of every system in which we operate. We may not be to blame, per se, for another’s bad behavior. But we are at least playing a small role. It’s common, for instance, to seek out a familiar, even if unpleasant, conflict. We like what we know, what we already understand. The familiar. You could argue that from some cosmic sense, we have an unresolved conflict and the universe, God, whatever, is trying to coach us through that. Maybe. Though I do know that human nature seems to drive us toward that familiarity, for whatever reason.
This means that anything we experience often is something that, even unconsciously, we have been drawing to us. It doesn’t need to be conscious. Those patterns, after all, rarely operate at the level of our conscious awareness. If you find you’re attracting the same kind of person to you, and it’s not healthy for you, or doesn’t fit your life as you choose to live it, it’s time to begin evaluating what’s driving this.
For instance, for several years I valued being a helper, someone who embraced women in highly challenging circumstances, and, to quote more than one throughout that time, “saving” them. This might have appeared altruistic from the outside, but it served a need within me and I maintained it for several years. It made me happy to help them to find their strength, to elevate them and help them achieve whatever goals they had for themselves. The problem may be obvious to you, but I had to stumble into it, several times, before realizing that this may have helped others, and given me a small amount of fulfillment. But the stress involved made me eventually question whether this was the best thing for me. It wasn’t. And rather than fall into the trap of asking questions like, “Why does this always happen to me?” or “Why do I keep meeting these difficult women?” or worse, generalizing this to all women (not suggesting that you would ever do this, of course…): “Why are women like this?” None of those questions lead to quality answers, nor are they useful or even hold up to logic.
If you find yourself in a situation like this, it’s time to look for the patterns and recognize that you’re the part of the system which hasn’t changed. It’s time to reevaluate what you’re doing and how you’re going about it.
Some people may find themselves becoming addicted to the conflict, itself, and that can drive this decision. Or to make us defend, not dismantle, the dysfunctional system. Though it’s worth noting how this makes you feel. If you like the results, your life runs better, you may choose to leave this alone. But if you find that it leads to conflict, to chaos, to stress, it may be worth digging a little deeper and making some changes. If you enjoy drama and consider it more of a thrill ride than a form of hell, enjoy!
Though if we choose to change this, we can. NLP offers a great deal of tools with which to accomplish this.
Once you’ve cleaned this up in yourself, or even prior to that, choose well–based on what you value in life and relationships. The conflict may be exciting to you, but for many of us, is seldom worth it in the end. You may not be surprised to find yourself far happier when you realize that–the thrill ride is no longer worth it.
Choose happiness or choose chaos. But whatever you decide will permeate every aspect of your life. So…
Copyright © 2023 Chris Gingolph